Self-certification agency!

Subbu was excited. 'Money, happiness, fame… all mine now,' he said.

'Wow. How?' I asked.

'I've started a certification agency,' said Subbu. 'Only one of its kind.'

'What?' I asked. 'How can you start a certification agency? What do you certify?'

'First I certified myself as a certifying agency,' he said. 'So, people take me seriously. Then I certified myself bestselling author, award-winning businessman, talented actor, iconic youth leader, philanthropist...so far. Just yesterday I certified myself as the hope of the nation.'

'That does not make you one,' I said. 'It's cheating and lying.'

'Once you are certified people believe you,' said Subbu. 'But it's not as easy as it sounds. You need to build your brand carefully using appropriate adjectives. For a youth leader, I used words like a dynamic, firebrand, son of the soil.'

'But that's not true,' I said.

'That's what you think,' said Subbu. 'But Raju and Shekhar at the certification agency don't think so. They have already certified me. See?'

'What nonsense? How can they certify you? They are your partners.'

'Because I certified them first,' he said. 'As good, honest, reliable people.'

'How can you certify them, and they certify you?' I protested. 'It's not done. I will complain about this.'

'Are you doubting my integrity?' said Subbu, looking upset. 'You cannot doubt the agency. It goes against our values of trust. I will certify you as regressive,

anti-progress and divisive.'

'What? Me, regressive, divisive?'

'Not just you,' said Subbu. 'We can certify your entire clan right from your great grandfather downwards. We are not a certifying agency for nothing.'

'What nonsense?' I said. 'You don't have any power or authority. You don't even have facts. It's illegal.'

'There's nothing illegal,' said Subbu. 'Everyone is certifying everyone else or certifying themselves. But I am the only one who issues a proper certificate. One needs guts to certify any random person and to stand by our certification. Do you want to be certified? I can do that.'

'No!' I said. 'I don't need your certification. I'll complain about you.'

'Ok, chill,' said Subbu. 'Why don't you join us? I will certify you as honest, hardworking and whatever else you want to be certified as.

Many leaders came out of

jail and headed straight to me to

get certified. Their careers immediately soared after I labelled them as honest, hardworking people. You could benefit too.'

'Oh wow!' I said. 'Could you do that?'

'Sure, it will cost you money,' said Subbu. 'But I'll give you a discount if you join us.'

'What? Why?'

'Because I'm putting my reputation on the line here,' said Subbu. 'With my certificate, your career will go far.'

'And if I don't pay?' I asked.

'Then we don't know what will happen,' said Subbu. 'You see, the public has opinions on everything.'

'What opinions?' I asked.

'They could feel you are a fraud, anti-progress or anti-culture,' said Subbu. 'You have to respect public sentiments.'

'But I am not,' I said. 'Why would anyone say that?"

'But that's how public opinion works,' said Subbu. 'See this form. Two people, Raju and Shekhar, have confidentially said they suspect your character. That's 100 per cent of our sample.'

'But they are your people,' I shouted. 'This is a scam. I won't fall for it. I'll certify myself. Like you did.'

'Sure, but you may not get the certification to certify yourself,' he said. 'You're not eligible.'

'Who says that?' I asked.

'The Master Certification Agency,' said Subbu. 'You see I certified myself as Sole Certifying Agency. We can't trust everyone to certify themselves.'