The whys and whats of a strong relation

Relationship is a big commitment. An, when things go wrong, it is difficult to pinpoint the reason. What makes for a long-lasting relationship? Self esteem among other things, say our experts.

I am a 27-year-old professional. I have been in many relationships, but none seem to go far. Everything seems fine for some time, but after that the guy stops talking, texting or dating. I have tried asking them why; but I get no answers. As a result, I have become very anxious and upset, very body conscious and colour conscious. I keep calling my friends to ask what is wrong with me, and they are getting fed up of me. I really want to settle down. I am currently dating a wonderful person. I am so afraid, this too will fizzle out. Help!

Everyone of us has security needs, love needs, affection needs and companionship needs to name a few. If one faces constant uncertainty and feeling of rejection, feeling insecure and unsettled is a given. My first suggestion to you is to stop asking the men, who have let you go about what happened or why they did so. Whether or not they answer, it is psychologically hurtful to you. Also, the fact that not one of them is giving you an explanation, says more about them, not you.

Asking friends is ok if they care enough to support you, but I feel you are distancing them with your constant questions and need for validation. The first step in the right direction for you is to work on your self-esteem and emotional quotient. Always remember, you are what you are…change or transformation is only for your betterment and not to please others.

Don't over analyse why you are not able to sustain a relationship. Instead, analyze and list out how you want to rediscover and recreate yourself.

1. Take a sheet of paper and list your strengths and weaknesses.

2. How can you build on your strengths and work on your weaknesses?

3. Make a plan for the transformation you wish to see in yourself.

Write down and list…

a. behaviors to change

b. behaviors to discard.

c. behaviors to improve.

Questions to ask yourself.

i. What can I change right now?

ii. what can I change in a month?

iii. what can I change in 3 months?

iv. what can I change in a year?

v. Why do I need to change all these things about me?

vi. How will changing help me?

If your answer to that last question says' to find a partner '...strike out the list…start afresh.

Every point there should be about you and you alone.

1. Practice breathing exercises to calm the anxiety.

2. Talk to your mind, say positive things.

3. Stop body shaming and colour shaming yourself...it only makes you feel worse. There's nothing wrong with your body.

4. Fill your house with scented candles, flowers, aroma oils…whatever makes you feel happy.

5. Please understand that pleasing yourself is the first step to better self esteem.

6. Learn to love…YOURSELF! Unless that happens, you will always blame yourself for every small thing.

7. Indulge in positive self-talk...it can truly heal you.

8. Look into a mirror and smile; behold your own beauty, both inner and outer.

9. Work on things that boost your confidence.

10. Sleep well, eat healthy, inculcate a healthy exercise plan of your choice.

11. Go out with friends, laugh, joke and enjoy yourself.

12. Once you start feeling better about yourself, the way you project yourself would change, and there's nothing more attractive than a confident woman with self-love and self-assurance.

REMEMBER…your goal should be not to sustain a relationship, but to work on yourself first.

Never change so much to sustain a relationship that you forget who you are.

As for your current relationship, be a good friend first. Understand each other. Try not to be clingy or insecure around him.

Be yourself, and not what you think he wants you to be.

Be self-contained too…sometimes silence, introspection and solitude have healing properties.

Pick up the courage to go on a holiday all by yourself.

Learn to love your own company too!

Start working on yourself NOW! FOR YOU!

You'll do fine! Believe me!

Good luck!

- Dr Purnima Nagaraja, Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist.

Going through relationships and breakups can take a huge toll on your self-esteem apart from causing mental and emotional exhaustion.

When we do 'relationship diagnostics' we start with understanding the whys and the whats of the choices made and the behaviour that is either the cause or the effect.

1. Why did you choose this person?

2. What about him drew your attention?

3. How did you envision the relationship?

4. What are your common grounds of interaction?

5. What kind of conversations did/ do you have?

6. How do you understand the concept of spacing?

Along with these it is equally important to understand the specific needs from your side related to the specific issue you are going through. It is natural to believe that your looks are not good enough but, on the other hand there are many other factors that can determine the quality of the relationship.

a. Are you emotionally overly involved or less involved?

b. What was the time gap before you were in a new relationship after a breakup? Rebound relationships normally make the new person feel as if they are competition.

c. How constantly do you seek approval (clothes, looks, work etc.,)

d. Is gifting a compulsory thing for you?

Is being organised and clean very important to you?

i. Do you expect your partner to listen to what you are saying, while you are busy to lend a ear?

ii. Do you talk too much or too less.

iii. Do you give an impression of being too needy or too independent or indifferent?

iv. Are your reactions too strong?

v. Do you hope for a conclusive relationship commitment from the other person then and there?

vi. Do you feel the need to impress the other person constantly or do you expect to be impressed?

Just a few questions like this which can start giving you the idea.

What may help you is that you work on developing self-awareness.

Equally important is being conscious of the interactions with the person you are with.

Respecting the opinions, time and space of your partner is key to developing a healthy relationship. Balancing the expectations of each other and being a good friend first is very important. Your partner should feel not judged but supported enough to confide and share his personal feelings, experiences, worries and simply just having fun!

Take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. There do seem to be quite a few obsessional patterns in you that could be tiring out the other people including your friends. Please seek help for that.

All the best!

- Vasuprada Kartic, Anthroposophic Counsellor and Psychotherapist.

- Do you have any relationship related queries or issues with your friends, loved ones or family? For informed advice by professionals, send in your questions to features.thehansindia@gmail.com.