Wedding woes! Marriage in one's life is a crucial step

Marriage in one's life is a crucial step. And if you have an alternate sexual orientation then making parents and society understand this aspect of life becomes a bit difficult and peer pressure starts to creep in

Q: I am 40 and unmarried. I am in a good position in a company. My parents live with me. I'm nagged daily about marriage and settling down. I have never married because I have an alternate sexual orientation. I am gay! I finally told my parents last year, since then, there is even more pressure. My parents say, 'get married give us a grandchild and then do what you want'.

This is cheating and I don't wish to spoil another person's life. Please help me. Should I do what my parents say to appease society, or should I be more vocal about my orientation? Will I lose my job? What will be the reaction of my friends? How can I find acceptance?

A: Dear friend! First of all, let me tell you that being gay or having an alternate sexual orientation is not wrong or a fault. Holding this in your heart all these years, without revealing even to friends must have been a huge burden. It is now time to come out into the open. The world today is far more accepting and there is a lot of support and a fair amount of social acceptance for the LGBTQIA today in our country.

Having said that, we still are a homophobic society and many attempts are made to 'fix' people with alternate orientations because many consider it to be a bad habit, bad influence, etc.

However, may neurobiologist have recognised that sexual orientation is from birth and is not a disease or disorder. A lot of research is still going on this.

It's a good thing that you told your parents and I can understand how difficult it must have been.

The reaction of your parents is also quite typical. Wanting a grandchild, daughter-in-law, social acceptance, etc. are normal parental expectations.

You are 100 per cent right about not wanting to spoil a woman's life by getting married. Many women's life has been spoiled by this need for social acceptance and the need to seem 'normal'.

So, a little advice on how to deal with this rather delicate issue.

1. Understand this is not going to be easy for you and also your parents. So be gentle.

2. However, explain your orientation to them...Tell them why it isn't ok for you to get married.

3. You have not mentioned if you have a partner or if you are in a relationship...if you are in a stable relationship, tell your partner to help and support you.

4. There are a lot of LGBTQIA groups now in our country and there is a lot of support available...reach out, meet them and talk. You will not only understand that you are not alone but will also benefit from other experiences and how they handled similar situations.

5. Please seek professional advice on this. Seek an LGBTQIA friendly therapist and seek support...both for yourself, and your parents. They need all the help they can get to slowly accept the situation.

6. The 'coming out of the closet' process isn't easy. Professional help will establish a sound support system and help you through this tough phase.

7. Standing up for oneself is hard, but this is when your inner resilience comes into force.

8. As for your friends, if they are indeed your friends, this will not spoil your friendship.

9. Lastly, office. Basically, your sexual orientation is none of anybody's business. So, people at work need not know, particularly if you feel the mindset isn't conducive to the LGBTQIA. Speak to a few close friends first, and when you slowly start feeling confident. Reveal your orientation it should not affect your job if you are good at what you do.

This is a crucial and tough phase for you. Move forward gently, and at your pace. Seek all the support and help you need. I wish you fortitude!

- Dr Purnima Nagaraja, Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist.

Q: I am a 34-year-old professional and I am the only son. My parents are in their 80's as I was born late. I had decided to remain unmarried after many unsuccessful attempts at marriage because no one wants to take on the responsibility of my aged parents. Now in my office, I have met a lady who is an orphan. She is a divorcee with a 4-year-old boy. We get along well together and I wish to get married to her. My parents and relatives are objecting because she has a child and is a divorcee. Everyone feels she is not fit for marriage with me as I have never been married. Also, she has an encumbrance and will not care for my aged parents. Please advise!

A: Hello and thank you for reaching out! You have expressed your wish to get married to your colleague and stated you have had conversations with your parents and relatives, who are objecting to your choice. There are several things you can do:

1. Have an open, honest conversation with each person vis-a-vis what you see as the positives of this relationship that you have with her, and what you value in her. What did you like about her that made you want to marry her? What qualities do you appreciate? What do you see as her strengths? What do you see in terms of compatibility that gives you the confidence when you said, 'we get along together'? Each of these factors is important to explain to others what you see in her, so they can understand your wish better.

2. Remember it is not one thing or the other, meaning that a person can take care of a child, and others at the same time, she can be a wife, parent and daughter-in-law at the same time, just as you can be a son, husband and (step) parent too. It is not black-or-white for anyone in this situation.

Regarding your relationship with your prospective wife, you have not mentioned how much you have communicated your intentions with her. You may need to have mutually respectful conversations with her about many crucial issues such as

3. What you both want from the relationship.

4. What each of your pasts has taught you or influenced how you view marriage.

5. As you mentioned the history of unsuccessful alliances findings the responsibility of aged parents to be heavy, hoping she will take care of your parents is not the only criterion for wanting marriage. What is her opinion? What are her commitment and ability to share responsibility with you? What responsibilities do you want to continually commit to, regarding your parents and other things, after the marriage? It has to be a joint responsibility for smooth functioning, and when you plan this out, you can have a dialogue with your relatives who are worried about this responsibility.

6. As your parents themselves have also shown objection to this marriage, you may need to mediate between the three of them in the future until a relationship is built. Couples and family therapy is recommended to help you, especially through these changing roles.

7. Child-rearing: values and rules she has, what you agree/disagree on, and sharing responsibilities. What is each of your opinions on having children together?

8. Your future role as a parent/stepfather: You may have to earn his trust, build a relationship with common interests, and show your support to him through word and action. This is a major change for any four-year-old too, so naturally, it is important to give him time, support and care.

9. If you choose to move forward with marriage, it may be advisable to show your affection to her regularly and reassure her son, especially since there were some objections by others, that can normally hurt one's feelings or sense of acceptance. Remember to show you care, love and respect her, and cater to her needs, especially emotionally.

10. wish you the very best, in life, and matters of the heart!

- Vasuprada Kartic, Anthroposophic Counsellor and Psychotherapist.

- This feature is in support of 'Rotary Kshemam' initiative for safe and happy communities. Do you have any relationship-related queries or issues with your friends, loved ones or family? For informed advice by professionals, send in your questions to features.thehansindia@gmail.com.