The Bishop with the 'golden tongue'

We have heard of 'nutty' professors but witty Bishops are a rarity, as their position demands all seriousness. This Bishop, who to the best of my knowledge was the oldest and the wittiest prelate who lived in my part of the Indian peninsula, is none other than the late Padma Bhushan Mar Chrysostum Valiya Metropolitan, the former Head of the Marthoma Church, who passed away on the 5th of May, 2021, due to old age.

The 103-year- old Bishop whose life touched many, in more ways than one, was much loved and revered not only in these parts by all communities but the world over, wherever his Church members lived. The word 'Valiya' incidentally means 'elder', a title conferred on him after his voluntary retirement.

This Bishop has made Presidents, Prime Ministers, actors, ministers, the who's who of society as well as the common man on the street, laugh their hearts out by his witty answers, though he very innocently says that from his side it was said in all seriousness but others found it funny! His wit has been circulating among the faithful for decades and has even been made into books. He has been unofficially ascribed the title, 'The Bishop with the golden tongue'.

His presence was much sought-after during religious meets. During the famous Maramon Convention conducted annually on the bed of the river Pampa, the pandal would be overflowing with people if the local newspaper mentioned that Chrysostum Tirumeni would be one speaking during a particular session. There would be pin- drop silence, not to miss a single word, lest the punch is missed because every sentence would be loaded with it. His forte was that, in between the humour, he would drive home power- packed messages, which the laity could easily understand. Though all his prized utterances cannot be included within the scope of this article, a few of his witty remarks that come to mind are included here for the uninitiated.

The Bishop had a loyal driver who at the time of this conversation was in his healthy thirtees. Seeing him washing his car one day, the centenarian, cancer survivor Bishop with other serious ailments in his kitty, said to him in all seriousness, 'l was wondering, who will take care of my affairs after your lifetime?'! Tired of getting milk diluted with water, the Bishop one morning gave the man who delivered milk, two bottles and said, ' Tomorrow bring the milk and water in separate bottles, we will do the mixing! On another occasion the Bishop was interviewing a man for the post of his cook and helper. He asked him, 'Do you know to wash clothes?' The man said, ' No Tirumeni'. ( Tirumeni is the respectful way of addressing religious heads.) ' How about ironing?' The man was apologetic, 'Not at all Tirumeni.' ' Can you at least make chappathis or tea?' 'Oh no Tirumeni, I don't know cooking,' the man said. The Bishop had heard enough. He said, ' They have already nominated a person who knows nothing here, myself, what is the need for another?'!

While addressing a youth wing of a Church, a young man once stood up and asked him a doubt regarding a woman mentioned in the Bible. The question was, ' Tirumeni, what is the name of Lot's wife?' The Bishop knew that the name of the said lady was not mentioned in the Bible but in his characteristic style he asked him,'Young man are you married?' He said, 'No Tirumeni'. To which the Bishop said, then don't go around asking the names of other people's wives. Instead, go and get married.' When he was ill and hospitalised, another incident happened. While leaving the hospital a nurse asked him if he will give her one of his colourful beaded chains with a cross which she would treasure for life. She also added that she would come to his residence to collect it if he was willing to give. With the unholy reports of bishops and priests circulating those days he said, 'I can give you one but I don't want the police coming to my house later, bringing it as proof.

In conclusion let me include one more of his typical answers,which he gives without even taking a second to think. A young dentist wanted to open a clinic and had decided to put a Bible verse in front of it for the benefit of his customers. He approached Chrysostum Tirumeni as he was in the neighbourhood and thought he would be the right person to help him. Moreover he was free and had the time, being retired.

The dentist told him what was in his mind, to which the Bishop reacted thus. ' I am not a scholar of the Bible but if you turn to Psalm 81, V-10, I think you will get an apt verse'. The said verse was like this, 'Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.'!!