Myopic biopics!

  ‘I am turning into a film director,’ said Subbu. ‘There’s a lot of demand for film directors.’

‘Why do you think so?’ I asked. ‘There are enough directors in the film industry already. Most don’t get work you know.’

‘You are not following the trends closely,’ said Subbu. ‘There’s a new genre with great potential. It needs more directors than there are subjects. I want to specialise in that genre.’
‘What’s that?’ I asked.

‘Biopics,’ he said. ‘I got my first client also. Our colony President approached me to make a biopic about him. He feels that his life has enough material to make a blockbuster movie. He says there is violence, sex, romance and drama. Some comedy also I feel.’

‘Rao? Who would want to watch his life story?’ I said.
 
‘Who is talking about his real story,’ said Subbu. ‘What am I for? I will make his biopic exciting by fitting in all his fantasies. For example, we all know he got beaten up by those kids last year when he shouted at them. In the biopic, we will show it like he beat up 300 of them. Rao, the superhero!’

‘How can you do that?’ I asked, aghast.
‘Why not?’ laughed Subbu. ‘That’s the idea of making biopics. In fact, the biggest demand for biopics is from the biggest criminals, cheaters, terrorists. They all want to share their version of their story. How they were abused, their soft sides, their love stories, how they did bad stuff against them. They are all queuing up.’

‘I can’t believe you will do something like this,’ I said.
‘Everybody deserves a chance,’ said Subbu. ‘And nothing like a biopic to present their story. The way they want it.  After all, they are paying for it.’

‘When did you get this idea?’ I asked.
‘When I saw ex-corporate swindler turned corrupt politician Shankar making his own biopic,’ said Subbu. ‘Earlier biopics would be made of great people. Now you become great if you make a biopic. The public does not care whether the story is real or false. They just want to pass time. So, I decided this was a good way to make some money and pitched the idea to a few people.’

‘Who did you pitch to?’ I asked.
‘First I tried our local dons, Ustra Raju and Chopper Saleem. They were interested but they tried to extort money from me to finance the movie. I escaped and approached a couple of sports stars. Their films were already made twenty or thirty times. While I was waiting for my next subject Real Estate Rathod, our colony President approached me to make his biopic. I told him I would do it if he paid me an advance. He paid! I am now rewriting his life script. He is quite excited.’
‘But Subbu, who will watch it?’ I asked.

‘Rao can watch it at home for all I care,’ said Subbu. ‘Right now, we are making our President’s childhood romance with his junior in Satara into a steamy romance in Switzerland and are converting the times he went to jail for petty crimes like pickpocketing into great social causes like picketing in the freedom struggle, etc. We want to give it an inspirational touch. A message.’

‘And what will you do with all the ill-gotten money you make from these false biopics?’ I asked.

‘Make my own biopic of course,’ said Subbu. ‘Even I want my best version to get into history. The biopic my friend is the equivalent to a dip in the Ganga. All my sins will be washed away digitally. Who knows, my best version could bring me many new opportunities. If not an Oscar, at least the President’s post!’