Eat right, eat with everyone else

In a TedX talk organised in Kerala recently, popular Malayalam actor Rima Kallingal spoke about confronting gender discrimination in the film industry. “I'm a feminist and my feminism started with a fish fry. So, once my family is seated around the dining table with my grand-mom, dad, my brother and myself.

My mom is serving food and never in her entire life has it occurred to her that she can actually sit down along with us and we can all serve our own food. But that story is for another day. And today, she does three fish fries and she makes sure that the oldest one at the table and the two men at the table get one each. The 12-year-old me sees this and weeps. I'm deeply hurt, and I demand to know why I am not considered deserving of the fish fry," she narrated during the talk.

After the talk, she was promptly trolled on social media.  She also received support from women who agree that even today many women, especially after marriage, put their needs behind those of the family. Our society has changed a lot over the years, but the practice of prioritising the needs of men in the family continues.  Thus, women of all classes unconsciously subscribe to gender discrimination. This brings focus to yet another important aspect - Women put the needs of the family before theirs and in the process ignore their health.  

Women are genuinely happy to serve food to their children and husband and eat at the end. “I will be happier if my family members eat first and I think it’s my affection towards them. I am not sacrificing anything,” says Archana, a Hyderabad-based beautician by profession. 

Women never think twice before forgoing their needs for the welfare of their family. It is always a mother who sees that her children's needs are fulfilled before her own and a wife who sees to it that her husband's wants are met first.  

All of this is just to keep her family happy. “I still remember those days when my mother used to do the bed out of her sarees for me and my brother, but she used to sleep on the floor.  I used to ask her why she was sleeping on the floor.  She only used to smile in response. I feel she is the only God I can see, talk, touch or share my feelings with,” expresses Vinay, speaking about his mother, a homemaker, Sridevi. 

Fronia Priscilla, a  post-graduate student, says, “I still remember in my childhood we did not have much to eat, even the basic meals rather, but my mother never made me feel anything was missing in my life. Even during festivals, when there was no money, she would get clothes for me, and my brother, my dad. We were not able to afford a good school in those days.  She also joined as teacher in the same school to make things less burdensome. And, whatever I am today is because of the hardships she had faced.”

Another daughter Lavanya, says, “After my father expired, my mother worked as a gardener to fulfil our needs. She was the most pampered child in her family. But she worked for us and she is my role model.”

While it is but natural that a mother takes care of the family’s needs, it is important that she takes care of herself too. Women who are prone to anemia, calcium deficiency and succumbing to health conditions like thyroid and other hormone related problems after child birth and when she reached middle age, should be careful about themsleves. 

They must eat right and not just what’s left over. And this has to begin with women eating along with their family. In July, 2017, a two-year-old project in Rajasthan used an unusual strategy to break this pattern among poor tribal communities. Instead of simply increasing their food supply and access — the standard approach for dealing with malnutrition — it attempted to break the tradition of prioritising men’s needs first. And it worked. 

By Askari Jaffer