Boys doing house chores is normal in modern era

My Son is married for five years got two children. He was blessed with 2nd son a couple of months ago; Now I am in USA to take care of them. My son got a love marriage. It is heartbreaking to see my son’s situation; he does everything for his wife & kids and has to take care of his job. My daughter-in-law sits or sleeps. My blood is boiling; I want to correct them and complain about this to her parents. Is it OK? Am I overreacting on this? What is my role? Mrs.Vasantha, USA.

Dear Vasantha ji, I appreciate your mail before you take action. First, you need to check yourself: 1. What makes you feel bad.2. If your son-in-law is there in the place of your son, do you feel the same 3. Do you feel the same if your daughter is in the place of your daughter-in-law? 4. If your husband does the same when you are in the exact status of your daughter-in-law, do you feel the same way? 5. Is your son sharing his difficulty with you in doing these chores and caring for the kid? Behaviour of his wife? 6. Did he experience pain, unrest and stress? 7. Did you observe any anger expressed on anything? 8. Please check if it is jealousy experienced by you since your husband didn’t do anything during your post-delivery period. 9. Are you objectifying yourself with your daughter-in-law’s status? She is enjoying everything you did not get despite your expectation during your younger days of motherhood.

Before giving suggestions to your son and daughter-in-law, please check yourself properly to get the proper answers, and then you can provide “Gyandhan” to them. You must know what is the aim of this conversation, what will be the outcome of this task.

We know that people all are shaped up by their experiences and the environment in which they have grown. He might have learned from your situation helping your wife is the most important to have a better relationship. When your son was young, he might have seen how much you have suffered in doing household chores alone. You might have encouraged him to help you at home. His experience might make him learn and practise the value of not troubling the spouse; reasons can be known only from him. If you need clarification, ask your son. With these questions, Are you happy & comfortable doing this kind of chore at the cost of your pride and office stress? Tell him, I feel, I am disrespected by your actions and threatened my way of upbringing you since your childhood. Your behaviour bothers me very much; I feel terrible looking at you doing all the house chores! Why don’t you both share the work and be comfortable until I return to India?

In this Modern era, the old parents must understand the style of new couples, value systems and lifestyle; they are not the same as your model; they share all household chores, baby caring, financial responsibilities, and finance planning. These days boys want their share in child grooming; they want to take a larger role in a kid’s life at the infant stage. Please remove the goggles of the traditional Indian model. It would be best if you learned to appreciate your son for taking the role in his son’s life; better get this thing clarified with your son first, then you can find peace and happiness. All the best; this is not just your issue; it is a cultural issue of all Indian parents; I hope this answer helps many mothers who visit their sons to help their daughters-in-law.

(The writer is a Counselling Psychologist, www.younme.co)