How to Beat a Nobel Laureate

Today opinion beats research anytime. In the olden days people thought they needed a double Ph.D. or 30 years in a particular line of work to call themselves knowledgeable. Now it has changed, thanks to technology

I think we can now officially claim to be the most knowledgeable country in the world,' said Subbu.

'How?' I asked.

'By the average intelligence on the road,' said Subbu. 'Everyone knows everything, has firm opinions on everything. We don't need any further proof than that to prove our knowledge. Stronger our opinion, greater our knowledge.'

'That makes us the most opinionated country,' I said. 'Not a knowledgeable one.'

'You're archaic bro,' said Subbu. 'Today opinion beats research anytime. In the olden days people thought they needed a double Ph.D. or 30 years in a particular line of work to call themselves knowledgeable. Now it has changed, thanks to technology.'

'How?' I asked.

'Everyone has facts, figures on anything in minutes thanks to the internet,' said Subbu. 'You don't need years of research anymore. Just the other day I discovered that my barber Nandu is an expert on economics - with ideas on a new tax structure. My grandmother's an expert on cricket technicalities. My neighbourhood goon Shekhar anna knows the law so well that he makes his own laws. My maid Lakshmi knows her history from the time the Mughals attacked India. Now tell me, which country in the world has a billion experts like these.'

'How are they experts?' I asked. 'They're spouting half baked knowledge. An expert is an authority on the topic.'

'Precisely,' said Subbu. 'They're authoritarian too. Ever since some kind soul on the internet has empowered them with knowledge about history, science, politics etc in a language they understand, they've come into their own. They don't know a Ph.D. from a Pakodawala or a Nobel Laureate from Laurel and Hardy and could not care less.'

'Are you saying they can beat Nobel laureates?' I asked.

'In a trice,' said Subbu. 'I've got a plan worked out for that. First, Nandu and co will challenge the Nobel laureate. If you're a true expert and a patriot, win a Padma award and then we will consider you an expert - they'll say. Not some western award like the Nobel. That knocks the wind out of the Nobel laureate who will then be busy trying to prove why he did not win a Padma award. Round one to our experts.'

'Oh,' I said.

'Then our experts will challenge the Nobel laureate to a debate on any topic. That puts the Nobel laureate further on the backfoot. Normally a Nobel laureate in Chemistry won't know much about T20 cricket or the Vedas or history as much as our well rounded experts from WhatsApp University. So we win Round Two as well. If they act hoity toity and start complaining, our chaps will have no option but to beat them up. No one can insult the nation.'

'That's how we win the debate is it?' I asked.

'Exactly,' said Subbu. 'Can't talk with a swollen lip can they? The clincher is that all our experts – Nandu, Shekhar anna, Lakshmi - have loud voices that drown out the squeaky voices of all the Nobel laureates put together. No one can out shout them.'

'What nonsense? They're experts in shouting?' I said.

'What's an expert without conviction?' said Subbu. 'And since the debates will be facilitated by people who have bigger voices than Nandu, the Nobel fellow is shouted out before he can open his mouth and say 'e' for expert. Case closed. We beat the Nobel guys and become the most knowledgeable country in the world. And guess what, we're so democratic and progressive, our experts don't even need a degree.'

'ByeI' I shouted with great conviction and scooted off.