In the elderliness, companionship plays a crucial role

Q: I am a 60-year-old woman. I lost my husband to cancer six years ago. I have two daughters well-settled and married. Recently, I met a gentleman at a wedding. We hit it off very well and became instant friends. We have been meeting often and really like each other's company. Last month he proposed marriage. He is a divorcee and has a son who is well settled. He is two years younger than me. My daughters have taken severe objection to this. They feel their husbands, in-laws will not agree and that it is a loss of face for the family.

I love my daughters dearly...but am lonely and like my friend's company and presence in my life. What am I to do? Am I being selfish?

A: Hello ma'am! What we have here is a situation not just because of not just an individual but also the socio-cultural background that drives those reactions. At the outset, sorry for the loss of your husband. Battling with cancer is not just by the patient but also by the main caregivers also, in this case, you.

Whether your daughters were married before the onset of the disease or after, it just shifts the responsibility degree.

From what you are going through now is very difficult for your daughters and others to understand as they look at the lenses that have been moulded by the social expectations and belief systems, clearly a more conservative and restrictive thought process.

They forget that you need a life too. That you can be lonely and need companionship at this juncture of your life.

It is all the more reason for your daughters to understand your situation and at least give moral support to your decision. It may be not easy for them to garner the support and approval from their respective families, unfortunately. That should not stop them from giving you the acceptance that you require.

More often than not you feel guilt cropping up over your decision and stance. This, in turn, affects the relationship that you are likely to enter.

The fact that your friend has proposed for a marriage and not taken advantage of your vulnerability deserves credit, irrelevant of the age.

Somethings that you need to remember and others to know are:

You have taken good care of your husband when it was needed.

Fulfilled the required responsibilities, surely with warmth and love.

Saying that you are lonely and wanting companionship at this age is not a crime.

Seeking another relationship is not disrespecting or insulting the memory of your husband or the sanctity of that relationship.

Your daughters are well settled and will be busy with their lives. Since they cannot be with you all the time being unnecessarily conservative and causing this inner conflict to you is not what is expected from them in this day and age.

If there is going to be a problem with their families maybe you should work towards distancing from them for a while so that their 'Families' cannot use anything against your daughters.

Check and recheck your emotional status towards this relationship. Take professional help to confirm that you are actually doing what you truly are convinced about.

As the old adage goes 'We should change with changing times.' Families and family members need to accept that even women (for men it is much more accepted) who lose their spouses can find happiness again.

Continue to be clear in all the steps that you are taking. All the best!

- Vasuprada Kartic, Anthroposophic Counsellor and Psychotherapist.

Q: I am 25 years old. I have two brothers both married and live in the US. My parents are aged and ill. My parents want to get me married off as soon as possible and divest themselves of responsibility. My brothers don't call, visit or financially support my parents, who spent a lot on their education. They even sold our house. Now, they are not in a good financial position. I don't want to get married because they would have nobody to care for them. Also, they would be in debt if they got me married with no means to pay it back. No one is supporting my decision. Please guide me.

A: Dear friend, this letter really warmed my heart. So young, and such mature thinking! Wonderful.

I know the world would say that 'your times running out... marry now!'

We always feel that it is the son's job to take care of parents while the daughter has to care for her in-laws...why can't a daughter take care of her parents too? I'm sorry that your brothers are getting on with their lives...who can question individual choices?

But I do believe that for whatever its worth, you should have a straight talk with your brothers and discuss both moral as well as financial responsibilities.

If the three of you share the responsibility...it's a lighter load to bear. You did say in your letter that your parents spent a lot of money on both your brothers' education. Maybe it's time you reminded them of that.

Here again 100 points to you for not holding grudges for being sidelined and understanding your parents' mindset.

Just a thought though, why do you think you would have to forget your parents if you got married?

There are many good men out there, who are supportive and understanding and together you can take care of both sets of ageing parents!

My suggestion is to consider putting forth your needs and specifications on a matrimonial site.

I'm sure there are many people out there who are open-minded and not steeped in dogmatic and patriarchal mindsets.

Take your time, search for a good match, which is suitable both for your circumstances as well as your nature.

Besides, think of the long-term issues you will face if alone...after the demise of your parents.

Loneliness isn't an easy state to bear forever, particularly since you don't have support from your brothers.

Do think of these issues and make up your mind. I feel you don't have to sacrifice your life and face problems. You can turn this into a win-win situation where your parents see a son in their son-in-law, and you have a caring companion for life.

As for debt, a simple ceremony costs nothing and debts can be slowly paid back as long as they aren't exorbitant.

By all means, take care of your parents, but please remember you don't have to sacrifice your life for that.

Take your time and take the initiative to find that wonderful supportive person! Believe me, there are many out there!

- Dr Purnima Nagaraja, Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist.

- This feature is in support of 'Rotary Kshemam' initiative for safe and happy communities. Do you have any relationship-related queries or issues with your friends, loved ones or family? For informed advice by professionals, send in your questions to [email protected].