Danger, immediate and present

That legal phrase is the American equivalent of what Indian Law calls “grave and sudden provocation”, equivalent not in their meaning, but in terms of the recognition of the circumstances whose existence is accepted as constituting the grounds for taking a somewhat lenient view in regard to the commission of a crime.

That, in fact, is the kind of danger I live through every day of my life. Awake or asleep, alone or in company, at home or at work, I work my way through a series of hazards, my daily life presents me with.

Consider, to begin with, the way it (my day) begins. Thanks to the (unsolicited) advice kindly tendered by a media friend, in one of my weaker moments I splurged a small fortune on buying one of those pairs of “progressive” lensed spectacles some time ago.

I am quite helpless without them ever since (and only slightly less so while wearing them!). Finding them in the darkness before dawn, and avoiding the risks either of a stumble or incurring the ire of a pre-maturely awakened spouse easily constitutes one of the most frightening moments in the day.

My father often warned me that the mere sight of my face during my effort to shave in the morning could lead to a perfectly justified suspicion of an attempt at suicide. No matter what brand of these state-of-the-art razors I use, a close shave with death would be a considerate way of describing that daily “brush” with danger.

I then proceed with due trepidation to the commencement of my next (mis)adventure, commonly described by more fortunate people as the making of a cup of coffee. In my case it is usually the choice- between using a metal container in the microwave oven, an honest and uncomplicated burning of the fingertip with the flame of a match stick or spilling sugar all over the floor, followed by a frantic cleaning/mopping operation to remove the traces of the incriminating evidence.

On the days when I survive without first-aid till this stage, the ordeal of steam inhalation awaits me next. Time was when this task was accomplished by the old fashioned boiling-water-in-a-vessel-and-bending-over-it-with-a-towel method. In this IT/BT era, apparently, it is infra dig not to use an electrical contraption. Can you imagine the possibilities? From first-degree burns with scalding steam to electrocution through malfunction- you name it and I have been there.

Then there is the (guaranteed) anti-dandruff shampoo that should not enter the eyes, the throat gargle lotion twenty minutes after using which you can swallow nothing and the shower dying on you half-way through the bath to maintain the tempo of the morning session.

I often eat my breakfast in the car so that time is saved at the office for less ignoble tasks (which, especially these days, include pursuits of such great import such as surpassing my previous highest score at Solitaire on the PC in the ante-room at my office!) - thus opening up a new line of potential opportunities.

It is precisely on such days that the menu runs to an array of solids, liquids and powders each eager to excel the others in displaying their talent at leaving tell tale indelible marks at various spots, the only qualification for different candidates being one of prominent visibility.

Easily the least interesting part of the day is at work - with nothing more at stake than one’s reputation and career prospects - with either being constantly threatened by the prospect of incurring the wrath, jointly and severally, of the Courts, the Legislature the Accountant General and the Central Bureau of Investigation.

I remain in a perennial state of amazement that a congenitally careless person, such as I, should have survived the scrutiny of these august bodies for over three and a half decades.

While night time no doubt offers the occasional but enticing prospect of falling off the bed during sleep or missing a step while answering the knock at the door during a power cut, the morning takes the cake in the sheer variety of temptations.

Did you know Julius Caesar was a premature baby (hence the word Caesarian)? So was I. No wonder we both led lives full of adventure!

As the Walrus said to the Oyster in Alice in wonderland, I “deeply sympathize” with those who persist in counseling me about the dangers to health from smoking and drinking They really haven’t the faintest idea of my ability to extract excitement from the ambient environment – or the colours and flavours of danger- immediate and present!

Author’s note: Some juicy bits relating to the risk of physical injury during episodes of disagreement with the spouse have regrettably had to be left out for fear of offending the sensibilities of the more squeamish readers.