Marriage is not for her

Ask any woman to describe marriage in a few words and she’s likely to say: romance, respect, understanding, support, care… The reality, unfortunately, is marred with violence, deceit, exploitation and a series of traumatic experiences

A woman in India can’t really imagine her life without matrimony because the patriarchal social structures don’t allow her to, and even if she’s caught in a bad marriage she finds it difficult to get away. However, a woman can definitely lead a fulfilling life without a husband, if she chooses to – and Nagamma is a living proof.

A barely-literate Dalit woman, Nagamma, who is around 45 years old, has consciously stayed away from marriage even though she belongs to an impoverished, marginalised family from a village in Karnataka, where women generally can’t escape tying the knot.

She shares, “My mother passed away when I was 10. After that, my father started drinking and gradually became an alcoholic. I was barely 14 when he, too, passed away. Although I had older sisters, they had gotten married and had their own families.

So I had to bring up my younger sister and brother and to make ends meet I took to doing daily wage work.” Why and when did she decide to remain single? She says, “When one of my older sisters started facing violence within her marriage I decided to never get married. I didn’t want to become vulnerable and go through that kind of trauma. Moreover, when she chose to leave her husband along with her child, I backed her.”

The feisty Nagamma, based in Kollegal taluk in Chamrajanagar district, around 50 kilometres from Mysuru, has become quite the rights champion after linking up with Swaraj, an active network of grassroots social workers with members across 14 districts in the state.

The organisation assists socio-economically disadvantaged children and women in availing their rights and entitlements and also reaches out to persons in distress. Nagamma has been working towards stopping child marriages in her area. According to her, be it for children or social workers like her, it’s really risky to stand up to long-held traditions and beliefs.

Sometimes, these weddings are carried out at undisclosed locations and at odd hours so that there are no hurdles or opposition. Even as the local police and government officials support her, her colleagues and she are required to do a lot of follow up and also ensure that the children or their supporters are not subject to any backlash.

Among the few girls whose weddings Nagamma and her colleagues have prevented is Bhavani, 17. This courageous adolescent refused to get married to a 28-year-old from Villupuram district in Tamil Nadu although her parents and other relatives were keen she did.

It’s rare to find a Nagamma, who has consciously and bravely stayed away from traditional matrimony, it’s also heartening to see a Geeta Shinde have the mettle to walk away from a bad marriage.

A determined, visually disabled woman from Bengaluru, she seems much younger than her 55 years. She was keen to study further and work; instead marriage was forced on her way back in 1981 when she was just 20 years old. Shinde’s husband, who worked at a five star hotel in Chennai, had suggested then that she do a beautician’s course. And after she completed the programme she got a job at the same hotel as him.

Shinde gained a positive reputation for her abilities and diligence soon enough and was sought after by wealthy clients, that included well-known actors and prominent doctors and entrepreneurs in the city. As is usually the case, her husband was not happy with the attention and appreciation she received.

He began to verbally abuse and physically assault her and turned an alcoholic. He was terminated after he was found drunk on the job. Despite the trauma, Shinde continued on the job for the sake of running her household and raising their daughter.

One morning as she went out to fetch a bucket of water before leaving for work, he emptied a bottle of acid on her. Luckily, she poured the water on herself, which prevented damage to her body below the neck. However, Shinde lost eyesight in this heinous incident and it could not be restored in spite of sustained efforts over six months.

She got legally separated from her husband in 1988 and returned to Bengaluru with her daughter. On the insistence of a friend she learnt yoga and even successfully managed to demonstrate her make-up and hair care skills much to the amazement and appreciation of professional cosmetologists. She underwent training as a telephone operator and, at present, is employed with a public sector bank. In her spare time she trains people in meditation voluntarily.

Shinde strongly believes that children, especially girls, need to be educated so that they are independent and do not feel the need to marry or stay in a marriage just for sustaining themselves. “Do not try to realise your unfulfilled dreams through your children or force them to get married. It is our responsibility to clothe, feed, educate and look after our children but only to a certain age,” she advises.

Like Shinde, Manjula has managed to piece her life back together after a bad marriage. She was married at 22 but discovered that her husband was in a relationship with another woman and kept that up for nearly 15 years.

Manjula, who has obtained a certificate in teaching from her hometown, Bellary, reveals, “When I asked him to choose between me and the other woman, he started to harass and hit me. He even tried to establish that I was mentally unstable.

I managed to fend off those accusations and got a divorce and a reasonable sum of money as alimony. The people, who assisted me in leaving my marital home helped me find accommodation in a temporary shelter run by a non-profit organisation meant for women in distress. For a few days, I lived there with my daughter before I secured a job as a teacher. These days, we are living in peace.”

Honouring these brave women at a public function held in Bengaluru recently, Dr H Prema, who teaches Kannada literature at a college in Shivamogga, was “speechless with admiration”. Incidentally, along with her sisters, Dr Prema, in her thirties, has defied traditions that discriminated against menstruating girls and women in her area. She wants to get married only if she finds a suitable, accepting and progressive partner.

Be it the never married Nagamma, who has become a crusader against child marriage, or the visually disabled Geeta, or Manjula, who walked out of their abusive marriage, they have shown a different, empowered face of the single life.

By: Pushpa Achanta