Where Cricket is an insect and biscuits are Crackers

The melting cauldron of American English

Whenever an Indian sees a new person, he would enquire “What is your good name?” Most foreigners get stumped! They ask themselves “what does he mean!

All names are good, why would parents give their children BAD NAMES?” The confusionarises as “what is your good name?” is a literal translation of Hindi phrase “aap Ka Shubh Naam Kya Hai?” English not a native language for most Indians, most Indians tend in think in their native language and then translate the same into English.

Sample this gem “I am well here and hope you are in the same well!”The lead actor of our fiction, let us call him Zena is a pure vegetarianwhohadcome to the USA to do his Masters in Technology. The poor boy’s worst night mares had come true.

He was suffering as there is nothing that is purely vegetarian in USA. Even vegetarian noodles come with anOmelette topping. Our Hero was sufferingand he surviving on bread and Jam. One day he saw a sign that made his heart sing. The sign said “Indian restaurant”. The boy rushed in.

What he found turned his insides out. The restaurant had a huge steak which was being roasted. The restaurant was full of Americans and had a fair sprinkling of Native Americans (red Indians)who were having beer and beef steak. Our Hero almost fainted. He staggered out of the restaurant.

Later a friend at the university explained him what the sign meant. “Indian restaurant” means a restaurant that is managed by the Native Americans. The Native Americans are called Indians in USA and Indians from India are called South Asians or East Indians. Our hero was confused as Native Americans are referred to as red Indians in India. This created such confusion that Zena almost gave up eating altogether.

Zena enters a Wal-Mart. He is window shopping. He wants a particular item and asks for the stores assistant’s help at the counter. The guy gives Zena a strange look and says “oh you want the stores clerk, wait for some time please, he is taking a rest room break”

Zena blows a fuse “what do you mean, he is taking rest, and what is Wal-Mart paying him for, for taking rest! Aha” he exclaims. He does not know that rest room is not the place for taking rest. Rest room is the name for the very popular Indian word, Toilet.

Next Zena goes to the vegetable section and enquires about Ladies finger. The stores clerk gives him a puzzled look and says “this is the vegetable section sir, meat section is on the other side please” And all the time she was hiding her immaculately manicured hands as if she was afraid that Zena was going to bite them off.

Ladies finger is the Indian name and the Americans call it Okra. Later he goes to the vegetable counter and picks up a very big Brinjal. He wants to know the price. H is told that the eggplant costs 5 US dollars! This perplexesZena. He fumes “Why should a very respectable vegetable like a Brinjalbe called an egg-plant?” Your guess is good as mine.

Defeated and utterly disappointed Zena asks for “curd”. “What is curd” is the query. “Oh curd is milk after some buttermilk is added to it and milk takes rest for the entire night. Next morning milk turns into curd”. The stores clerk takes off. She could not bear it any longer.

Left to himself, Zena finds an Indian who guides him to Curd – Yoghurt. “What a funny name” Zena wonders “why is it called Yoghurt. May be named after Yoga but why is the yoga hurt? May be because people feel hurt after doing Yoga and curd gives them energy. That is why curd is called Yoghurt in USA”.
At the billing counter the billing clerk says “is everything okay with you, sir” Zena slowly nods his head left to right, left to right. “Oh what is the problem, sir”? “No Problem” says Zena. There is a cultural issue here.

Indians nod their nod in a semicircular fashion to say yes. Zena was all the time saying ‘yes there is no problem’ and the billing clerk was taking it as a ‘NOthere is a problem’ as a vigorous nod from left to right is a NO in the western countries.

Exasperated and furious the billing clerk says “sir here is your check” “Oh” exclaims Zena “you are giving me a Cheque, what for?” With clenched teeth the billing clerk says “For the items, you bought Sir”.

“But why?” says the bewildered Zena “you should give me a bill why are you giving me a Cheque”. An Indian living in USA intervenes and explains to Zena that check means a bill and that the billing clerk was not giving Zena money rather he was asking for payment.

Next day Zena goes to a grocery store and says “I want some rubbers please”. “Rubbers? I don’t sell rubbers, you have to go to a chemist” says the store clerk. “But I see rubbers here” says a surprised Zena. “Oh those are not rubbers they are erasers” says the stores clerk.

Zena was traveling in a bus. His friendly neighbor enquires “Indian?’ he says “where from?”

“Hyderabad” says Zena “I passed out from the university” “passed out, where you sick”? says the anguished American. “These Americans” muttered Zena “they all talk nonsense. Why should I be sick, if I pass out from the university?” Passing out my dear Zena means fainting in USA and you should have said is graduated from the University.

Seeing Obama’s picture on the newspaper Zena perks up “oh Obama, I love him” “We love him too,he is running for the second time”. “Why should he be running? As a president I am sure he can afford to go around in a car” says Zena.

Giving him a strange look the American withdraws and makes no further comments. Running, dear Zenameans standing/contesting for the presidency and does not mean running in the literal sense.

The day after Zenagoes to an automobile shop and says “I want a silencer for my motorbike” “We don’t sell silencers here. You will have to go the shops that sell guns” replies the shop keeper. Silencer! Zenashould have said a muffler.

Zena’s irritation reaches a new peak at the house rental agency. Zenasays “I want to rent a flat”. “Why do you want to rent a flat, why don’t you buy a pair of them” says the surprised rental agency agent. “I am a poor man. I can’t even afford to pay the rent of a flat and you are asking me to buy a pair of them” retorts Zena.

“I am not asking you to buy;rather your wife should buy a pair of flats and wear them. You can get them at a shoe shop”. It slowly dawns on Zenathat the rental agent is talking about flats (flat shoes without heels) and all the time he Zena was enquiring about an apartment for hire.

Zenalands up at the travel agency. He enquires “What would be the airfare for a trip to India and back cost?” he enquires “sir, do you want a round trip ticket”? enquires the booking clerk. “Oh no not a round trip, only to India and back, how much will it cost?”

Luckily for Zenathe booking clerk had dealt with Indians before. He explains to Zenathat a round trip means a to and fro ticket the same as what Zena was enquiring about and gives the required information.

In USA cricket is not a game it is an insect. Z becomes a Zee, Poem becomes a Pome, cockroach is a roach, biscuits become crackers or Cookies defending whether they are is salty or sweat, Petrol and diesel become gas and many other such differences.

It is not my intention to say that that Indian English is better than American English or vice-versa. Language is a way to communicate with other people and to communicate effectively we need to have in-depth knowledge about the local language and linga.

When you are in USA, do as the US people do! Get cracking, go to the internet and master the American English and live a happy life in the USA.