Emotional Roller Coaster on Social Media

My friend feels I don’t express my emotions enough. He says that’s why I am stuck. No flow. I don’t know how to get my emotions flowing with real people(I prefer to stuff my emotions and smile because I don’t want to get beaten up or go to jail.) Hit a punching bag he said. It did not work. I tapped at it gently, emotionlessly. I have lost touch with my emotions.

Until I got on social media the other day. I logged on to the Facebook to do what I like most – promoting myself or watching others promote themselves. I saw a post by a friend (hate him). His post had no likes. I felt bad for him. Though I did not have the patience to read the nonsense he had posted, I decided to like it. I felt pity.

Then I felt worried Itwas the only post with no likes. Was he violating some rule? Am I associating with a dangerous pervert? If I like him will I also be considered a deviant? My heart said “like”, my head said “ignore”. I ignored. I felt guilt.

I found other posts with hundreds of likes which I had no problem liking without even knowing what they are about. Perhaps by liking them, they will also like me I thought. Likes beget likes. I felt happier in anticipation of many likes.

I realised I was feeling my lost emotions again. I had already felt pity, worry, anticipation, guilt and even happiness on one stupid post. I called my friend. He advised me to keep at it for some more time. He was excited.

So, I scrolled down and quickly identified another emotion - envy. I saw people on vacations, cruises, parties,etc. For a moment, I thought I would unfriend the bloody show offs. Then some voice inside me told me to keep them so we could see what they are up to.I scrolled away from them and saw a post by a friend.

He is completely shallow; always has been. Now he is trying to act very deep and intense on Facebook and is putting up all deep posts. I felt red hot anger. Never has this person practiced what he is talking about and here he is –explaining the meaning of life and how it should be lived. I experienced fury and rage.

In my emotionally upset state I posted something. The moment I hit the post button I experienced fear and panic. Have I made a spelling mistake? Did I post something I’d regret later? When no one liked or commented on my post, my fear turned into sadness. After an hour, it turned to despair. Then resentment. Finally, depression. No one liked me.

I moved on. I saw posts of people who had a better life than mine. Better cars, better friends, better posts, better likes, better everything …they deserve nothing but my hate. Unfortunately, the platform seems to have a thumbs up, a like, a love, a wow, a dog, a tear and an angry fellow emoticons. Not enough to convey my wider and subtler range of emotions. Also, who wants to be honest on FB (and get hated by random people). So, I ignored the show offs.

Then I chanced upon some idiots who were continuously camping on Facebook promoting themselves. There ought to be a balance. Like how I am doing it. You cannot overdo it. I felt disgust.

Then I got lucky. I found some really pathetic posts by some complete losers. I felt a strange mixture of pity and joy. Pity at their sad lives. Joy that I found someone worse. In my happy state, I noticed someone had liked my post. I experienced love. I love all the people who like my posts. I adore those who share my posts and would give them the highest civilian awards if I had my own country. These are people who are closer to me than my family. They understand me the most.

I felt drained - emotionally. My friend was excited that I experienced so many emotions. He was fascinated to know the hidden benefits of social media. As for me I cannot wait to go back. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride that the best prime time “saas bahu” serials cannot match. I can feel my flow coming back. There are enough and more losers out there you see, to make me feel good about myself. Come to think of it, I wonder if everyone is flocking to it for the same reason.

By: Harimohan Paruvu