How to handle insecurities

How do deal with insecurities? I am insecure about everything. What should i do about it?- Varun Kumar, Warangal.

Insecurity is characterised by the loss of emotional stability or self-confidence. Sufferers perceive themselves to be unloved, inadequate or lacking self-worth. Being insecure about certain things is perfectly normal as long as you know how to deal with it. The problems start when your insecurities start affecting your life.

A constant fear of being discovered as inadequate to meet the responsibilities at home, school or home will haunt people continuously. Such feelings often result from child hood fears of rejection, disapproval or un-acceptance. Children learn what they live in. Usually insecure people might have brought up in a chaotic or volatile environment experience a major loss or catastrophe in their lives which in the later life make them insecure about the things or relationships.

Childhood abusive experiences (can be emotional, physical, sexual or neglect) make wounds that have a long lasting scars, if the emotional turmoil of those wounds are not healed properly at that period. These individuals may have poorly developed self - concept, with low self- esteem, lack of belief in their personal goodness, skills or abilities. Always they feel that ‘no one likes me’, all are nice to me because they want some - thing from me. Otherwise they don’t care me’.

Such thinking affects their perception, thinking and behaviour with others. They have difficulties in establishing healthy and long – term relationships. They keep others away from them with their high defensiveness which in turn adds fuel to fire of their insecurity. Often insecure people show characteristics like, self - doubt, indecisiveness, obsessive about certain things and people, jealousy, over authority or over competitiveness. Usually men are more insecure about their body, hair, finances or career etc and women are more insecure about their age, beauty, height, intellectuality, etc.

Insecurity can lead to psychological problems or over-compensatory behaviour such as bullying or aggression in people. It may also cause shyness, withdrawal or paranoia. Many people suffer a period of insecurity during puberty, which gives rise to a lot of the stereotypical behaviours of adolescents. Insecurity can often be accompanied by a controlling personality type or avoidance, as psychological defense mechanisms.

German psychoanalyst Eric Fromm said, “The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity.” Insecure people looked at themselves from the perspective of someone else — perhaps a person with no appreciation of their talents, personality traits, abilities—and judged themselves unfairly according to the perverted view.

Insecurity can be overcome. It takes time and patience and a willingness to believe each person is in fact of innate value. Understanding that I am insecure itself is a first step in overcoming the problem. As roots of this problem will be often in the childhood experiences, you must identify those reasons for the insecurity and heal those wounds. Be willing to put yourself in vulnerable positions in life where you might get hurt. Do not avoid or be defensive.

Trust others, risk vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt. Take a rational approach to each problem and keep away your debilitating fears or beliefs. Practice assertive behavior to enhance your self - worth and image. You need to develop courage to initiate small steps in learning to experience success and over-coming lack of belief in self-competency. Break the outer shell of self – doubt and reach out to others by letting go past hurts (real or imagined) and move on in life.

Visualise winning and develop positive attitude in life so that you can put your energies in growth direction. Reward and appreciate you self for your strengths, attributes, skills and competencies. Then implement the plan and keep a log as you go through each step of handling you insecurity.

4 remedial steps

1. Admit your insecurities to yourself

2. Admit your insecurities to others

3. Eliminate all the people from your life who attempt to take advantage of your insecurities

4. Find happiness and fulfilment regardless of your insecurities

Here’s how you can take control and live your life on your terms, regardless of your insecurities. Find the root. Think about where you are lacking confidence.

Invalidate problem. Once you’ve pinpointed the specific incident that created the crater in your self-image, consider why that occurrence doesn’t prove anything about your life as a whole, and think about the times in your life that prove the opposite. We are often too quick to forget the compliments or positive reinforcements that we’ve received from friends or colleagues, dismissing the kind words as pity or politeness.

Practice positive self-talk. It is especially hard to notice negative self-talk if you have been doing it for a long time. If you're always telling yourself that you're a loser, a failure, or that you can't do anything right, then you're bound to feel that way forever. Instead, work on telling yourself positive things about yourself so you're more likely to attack new tasks with a healthy mindset and a desire to do well.

Be more forgiving of others. Do not be quick to pass judgment, yourself. Trying to put others down may seem like it raises you up, but really, every time you knock someone else down, you are also criticising a quality you possess and are knocking yourself down, too. Instead, raise others up. Not only will you have better luck making friends and having meaningful relationships, but you will also be elevating yourself.

Stop comparing yourself to other people. One of the best ways to guarantee that you'll be insecure is to compare yourself to the people you know, or even to the people you see on television. If you do that, you're sure to find a way to make yourself feel ugly, poor, unsuccessful, or a number of other unflattering things just because you feel like you can never measure up to other people. Instead, focus on the things that would make your life better by your own standards, not by anyone else's.

Talk it out with a close friend. One way to overcome your insecurities is to talk them over with a close friend. Having someone who knows and understands you can help you get an unbiased perspective, and can make you feel like your worries or fears are irrational. A good friend will cheer you on, tell you that you can achieve your goals, and can help you dispel any of the negativity and doubt that surrounds your life.

Learn to laugh at yourself. In general, people who are insecure take themselves pretty seriously. They are always worrying about failing or embarrassing themselves. People who have a good sense of humour about themselves and understand that everyone makes a fool of himself from time to time tend to be more secure, because they accept that they will mess up sometimes and are okay with it. You should learn to laugh at yourself, and to make jokes if something didn't go as planned, instead of worrying about coming off looking good all the time. It'll be a big relief to face the day with more laughter and less worries about everything going perfectly.

Self-confidence takes a long time to nurse back to health and will often fluctuate. It may take years before you realise you have changed at all. Just believe that you are changing and do your best. Do not feel hesitated to take professional help if needed. Consult a psychologist. Effective CBT techniques help you to overcome such problems and make your life more meaningful and happier.