Why I'm chicken about cooking poultry

Funny side-up

Child (sniffing at kitchen door): "What's for dinner? I hope it's not turkey. I hate turkey." Me: "Big chicken." Child: "Yay!"

Ha ha, that was a sneaky dad trick that worked. Cunning often solves problems. Did you read about the guy in New Zealand, who was upset that the government refused to pay for his weight reduction operation? Officials so angered him that he went on a hunger strike. True story!

But I do have sympathy for folk trying to shed weight, having seen the price of a gym membership these days. Forget it! What's to stop me stripping to my boxer shorts and walking up the down escalator at the mall for an hour a day? Other than the fact that I look eminently arrestable when stripped to my underwear?

It's really hard to stay slim now, since it's clear that the food industry is united in a massive global conspiracy to make us literally explode. (I don't want to sound like a conspiracy nut, but I suspect they're in cahoots with the house redecoration people.

Fast food firms are at the centre of the debate. The news wires inform me that the Chinese arm of the world's biggest fried chicken chain took out a lawsuit against several internet companies for spreading the news that they developed a Superchicken with five or more legs. I'm not sure why they think this is bad as people love anything techy these days, especially with superhero associations.

I'd eat Superchicken just on the off chance that I might get Superchicken powers. Although maybe not if that included having five legs. On purely artistic grounds, five legs would be visually awkward compared to a four-, six- or eight-legged Superchicken design. But having said that, I often eat toasted cheese before bed, and eight-legged chickens would be the least weird part of my dreams.

But wait. Do you remember, from the same country, there was that news story about a guy who had grown "man-boobs", after eating too many portions of hormone-filled chicken portions? At first, I thought this was an urban legend, as man-boobs are sprouting everywhere in these high-calorie times. A guy only has to eat two-to-four American meals to develop a significant pair.

Yet his doctors confirmed the theory and showed pictures of his torso, parts of which have swollen to an extent which would cause definite confusion in the mind of any male. I bet the guy spends hours a day in the shower. More importantly, people saving up for gender-reassignment operations might save a small fortune by simply switching their diet to what this guy ate.

Brother. Now I don't feel like eating the "big chicken" I just cooked.