Negative Thinking will save the world

We’ve suffered the positive thinking conspiracy for a long time now. We have been told to think positive so we can succeed, get good looking partners, get rich, be happy, travel the world, etc. All of us (about 95 per cent of the world at conservative estimates) who are not successful, happy or rich or good looking, instantly signed up for these classes with hope in our heart, and emptied our pockets of whatever little was left.

Pretty soon we found out that positive thoughts are like the Yeti, the Loch Ness monster or alien spaceships - they are there somewhere, someone has seen them. For every single positive thought we tried to find, we realised, to our horror, that we generated a million new negative thoughts – including why we could not produce one positive thought even after paying good money for a course.

Some idiot classmates in the “Positive Thinking” course were so stupid that they complained to the teacher that they could not find positive thoughts however hard they tried. The teacher told us to flip their negative thoughts - we’d find positive thoughts on the other side. When we tried, we found that god gave us the equivalent of a ‘Sholay’ coin – negative thoughts on both sides. But we could not tell that could we? We left class smiling outwardly and looking positive, but severely depressed inwardly. We were positively doomed.

Or so we thought. After researching this distressing subject for years, I have finally come to the conclusion that positive thinking is a myth planted by the successful five per cent on us 95 per cent unsuccessful losers. It’s like saying, try not to think of a monkey when you meditate. All you can think of then is the monkey, its face, its teeth, its sexual habits, its tail, whether monkeys brush, etc. Similarly, the moment they say think positive, we think about the thing we should not think of i.e. the negative thoughts in our case. And there are so many of them, all wonderful stuff.

Look around you. Do you see any positive faces? The only guys who are positively laughing are the successful five per cent who have palmed this myth on us and made off with our money.

Here are a couple of reasons why this positive thinking does not work.

The first reason is this - most unsuccessful people are rebels (monkeys) which is why we are not successful at anything. Get the milk. No. Close the door. Why? Study hard. Why? Be successful. No. Eat vegetables. No. Marry a rich girl. No. Take money. No. You get the drift. Unsuccessful people never do what they are told – especially if it’s good for them. In fact they will do the opposite of what is told to them. So unless they are your enemies (like family) don’t tell them what to do because they will not do it. Tell them the opposite. For example, don’t touch the paint. They will do it immediately.

The second reason is this – people hate positive stuff. They love negativity. Look at the successful media, social media, all that is popular, and you know what works. Negative stuff is prime time stuff. Negativity brings in the money, the TRPs, fame, drama. Positive stuff is boring, time-filler stuff.

Then how are they selling us this “Positive Thinking” business if it does not work you may ask? And why are we buying it if we know we are being had? They are selling it because they know the losers will buy anything if they are told they will become rich and happy without doing any work. And we, the unsuccessful 95 per cent, buy it because all we are capable of doing is rebelling. They come with a scheme, we pay money, join the scheme, and then we rebel against it and lose our money.

But here is the good news. Based on my findings, I got a billion dollar idea that will positively help the 95 per cent (and mostly, me). I am starting “Negative Thinking” courses ©. They will liberate the 95 per cent from the burden of trying to be successful. In fact our courses teach the opposite – they encourage students to think negatively for long hours, without guilt or fear and without a break. Whatever happens, you can think negative.

No more pressure of positive thinking. It’s heavenly stuff. Like a drug. Or like watching news forever. But how will that make us rich and happy? Simple. With your negative thinking freely available to you and in full flow, your need for more negativity will reduce sharply. You will stop consuming negative stuff (like positive thinking) and in turn, become a steady producer of negative stuff. And we all know that producers are rich and consumers are poor. Which means you will become rich and happy too.

Some worry about what will happen to the planet with all this negative thinking. I believe it might not grow; it might actually decrease. A good percentage of our losers will certainly rebel against the negative thinking rule as well and end up start thinking positively.

That said, I also know that the unsuccessful 95 per cent can do nothing creative like thinking - positive or negative. All they can do is rebel and go around in circles all their lives. Tell them something and they will rebel automatically. Live. No. Die. No. Go. No. Think positive. No Think negative. Yes. No.

Please do not join our classes. We will not admit you. Haha. See you soon.

By: Harimohan Paruvu