Backbenchers are taking over the world

My backbencher friend from school was very excited. ‘Dude, our time has finally come,’ he said. ‘After all these years.’

‘What happened?’ I asked. Had they announced a dumbness subsidy or an extra muscle allowance?

‘The perfect career option has opened up,’ he said. ‘Way better than any jobs you frontbenchers can get.’

‘What’s that?’ I asked.

‘You wouldn’t believe it, but I am perfectly qualified to be a world leader,’ he said.

‘You?’ I spluttered. ‘A world leader?’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘I watched Tramp closely at NOTA exit. I can easily do all that he is doing.’

‘NATO and Brexit you mean,’ I corrected. ‘And that’s Trump, not Tramp.’

‘Yes. I can do what he did. Easy.’

‘What did he do?’ I asked. ‘You don’t even know these names properly. How will you become a world leader?’

‘That’s the secret. You don’t need to know anything. They asked Tramp about Brexit and he talked about his properties and his mother. I can do that as well.’

‘It’s not so simple,’ I explained. ‘I am sure you need to know more to be a world leader.’

‘Yes,’ said he. ‘But I learned all that I need in the back benches at school.’

‘You learned all about politics, economics, science, diplomacy, history, culture in the back benches?’

‘That’s the old days when you needed to know those things,’ he said. ‘Now all we need is what Ali, Sanjay and Satpal taught us in the back benches.’

‘What exactly did they teach you?’

‘How to lie, how to mislead, how to be thick skinned, how to keep repeating the same thing as a parrot, how to say whatever comes into my mind …’

‘Stop, stop, what are you saying?’

‘Watch a couple of global leaders carefully and you’ll know. Sanjay taught me that. Say anything and keep repeating that all others are telling lies. After a while they give up and you win.’

‘And that’s all it takes to lead the world?’

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘But most important is what Satpal taught me - to be totally irrational. If you are slightly irrational you could end up in a mental asylum or in local politics. But if you are totally irrational, you could be a global leader. The more irrational you are, the more people follow you.’
‘That’s not true,’ I gasped.

‘People want entertainment,’ he said. ‘No one cares what leaders do long as they entertain them. Global politics is the biggest reality show.’

‘Gandhi, Mandela, Lincoln...,’ I croaked. ‘They will turn in their graves.’

‘Nobody wants frontbenchers like Gandhi and Mandela anymore. It’s Tramp time. The backbenchers time. Move over goody two shoes. We don’t need your brains anymore. We are taking over.’

‘A global leader like you who has no idea of science, finance, what people need?’ I gasped.

‘I have views on them too, listen’ he said. ‘Science is very very good. Wonderful. I use science. I have a phone. It’s made from science. Finance, it’s very, very good. I have lots of finance. Everyone should have some finance. That way people will be happy.

I want people to be happy. How’s that?’

He sounded exactly like some global leaders I saw on TV. This guy had a point. He was all set to become a global leader. With Ali, Sanjay, Satpal for company. I got that familiar feeling I’d get in school when the teacher left the class and the back benchers took over.

For those few minutes it was sheer terror. But now it seems the teachers have given the keys to these guys.

How does one get to Mars?

By: Harimohan Paruvu