What to do when you’re feeling blue

I always feel that I am left alone; though I am among a group of known people also. I feel all alone and depressed. I feel that people don’t love or like me and they are talking behind me negatively. What to do to come out of these feelings?- Vijay, Warangal.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” ― Mother Teresa

Loneliness is the feeling of being alone and feeling sad about it. All of us feel lonely at some point of time. It is only when we seem trapped in our loneliness that it becomes a real problem.

Loneliness is a passive state. It is maintained by letting it continue and doing nothing to change it. We hope it will go away eventually, and we let it envelop us. Strangely, there are times when we might even embrace the feeling. Yet, embracing loneliness and sinking down into the feelings associated with it usually leads to a sense of depression and helplessness, which, in turn, leads to an even more passive and depressed state.

Loneliness often accompany dysthymia, depression, anhedonia, despair, or other mental/emotional disorders, including schizoid personality disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, schizotypal personality disorder and borderline personality disorder.

John T Cacioppo, an award-winning psychologist at the University of Chicago, explained that lonely individuals tend to do whatever they can to make themselves feel better but only for the moment. They may overeat, drink too much, smoke, speed.

Dr Cacioppo found that, without indulging in harmful behaviors, feelings of loneliness can impair health by raising levels of stress hormones and increasing inflammation. The damage can be widespread, affecting every bodily system and brain function.

Causes of loneliness:

People feel lonely for a number of reasons, including simple social awkwardness and intentional isolation.

The common causes of loneliness are more mental than physical. A bad relationship, poor self-image, history of abuse, stress, frustration and many other factors can change your overall attitude towards life which may directly impede your overall performance. Such tendencies are deep-rooted in mind and nurtured by excessive Negative Emotions.

The main cause for the feeling of loneliness is the lack of intimate relationships. You may know lots of people or have many friends but if your relationship with them is too superficial or if you never share your emotions with them then you will feel lonely.

Signs and symptoms of loneliness:

Introversion, self-consciousness, shyness and difficulty in approaching people to initiate relationships are all clear signs of being lonely. Frequent loneliness feelings can leave us with a sense of low self-esteem and we become self-conscious and feel that we have been rejected; it is very difficult to overcome.

Lonely people tend to blame both themselves and others for their unhappiness. They may be reluctant to even try and take new responsibilities or take part in group-activities, and will also find it difficult to say 'no' to things, leaving you feeling exploited and weak. Lonely people are often self-centered and think only of themselves.

Many time their unrealistic expectations more than what they could reasonably expect from their relationships brings disillusionment, frustration and disappointment which ultimately lead to loneliness.

Symptoms of loneliness:

• Dissatisfaction with social or family relationships.
• Bitterness and Negative attitudes towards life.
• An inability to create, develop and maintain interpersonal relationships.
• Lethargy and lack of direction.
• Frequent sadness, loneliness or resentment
• A feeling of emptiness and being very much alone.
• A feeling that your intimate needs are not being met or, if they are, they seem unsatisfying.
• Few or no friends
• Over-reacting to everyday events that you would generally take in your stride.
• Feeling worthless, helpless, powerless, unacceptable, self-absorbed.
• Passivity or pessimism
• Highly sensitive, when lacking adequate social support
• Feeling bored, self-pitying, sad and sometimes depressed.
• Feeling nervous and disoriented.
• Low self-esteem and the feeling that there is no one with whom you can communicate openly, honestly, and intimately.

Loneliness, especially if it’s experienced on a long-term basis, really does sensitise you to suffering. And it involves this terrible vulnerability — you feel too much alone, too unguarded. And I think that sense of vulnerability leaves you uniquely attuned to people whose vulnerability is being exploited and who can’t fend for themselves.

Dealing with feelings of loneliness:

Realise that loneliness is a feeling, not a fact. When you are feeling lonely, it is because something has triggered a memory of that feeling, not because you are in fact, isolated and alone. The brain is designed to pay attention to pain and danger, and that includes painful scary feelings; therefore loneliness gets our attention. But then the brain tries to make sense of the feeling. Why am I feeling this way? Is it because nobody loves me? Because I am a loser? Because they are all mean? Theories about why you are feeling lonely can become confused with facts. Then it becomes a bigger problem so just realise that you are having this feeling and accept it without over reacting.

Realise that you aren't alone. We all get lonely. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. People are particularly prone to loneliness during major life transitions, especially ones made for the better. If you're changing in ways such as exploring new alternatives and paths for yourself, you're bound to get a little lonely as you look for people who share your new interests and thoughts.

Be content with yourself. Love yourself for the person you are, no matter if you are lonely. The world has room for a diversity of personalities.

Put some fun into your life by going to games at school, walking through a park, checking out a museum, and so on. However, try reaching out by doing fun things with another person or group rather than doing them alone.

Be busy: Take a walk, ride your bike or read a book. Explore activities and hobbies, and don't be afraid to try new things. Having experience gives you a basis upon which you can comment in more social situations (thus talk to more people) and strike up conversations that will interest other people.

Make some friends, one at a time. You can start by saying hi to a person in school or wherever else you find people, and the next day you make a conversation. Do this with several people over a period of time. Do more listening than talking. Listening and drawing people out will deepen your contacts.

Spend time with your family. Even if you don't have a great history with a family member, chances are they will take you up on an invitation. You can share friends and meet new people together. This will help diminish that awkward feeling of being alone in public.

Volunteer. Look for areas where you could help an individual or a group after school or during other free time. By helping others, you will keep busy and get your mind off yourself. Plus, by being with others, you are able to establish friendship.

Tips:

Know that it is a big world and whatever your interests there is probably someone else like you out there - it's just a matter of finding that person!

If you are lonely because no one likes you, try to understand why and work on that issue, but don't drive yourself crazy with it. Maybe you are changing and it is a time in your life to be alone.

Love yourself and pamper yourself. Go to a spa or a cosmetologist to have your hair done.

Learn to be happy with yourself. When you like/love who you are, it shows. People like to be around those who are upbeat and confident.

Create a positive mood and atmosphere. Realise that loneliness can be a right time to try out something new, relax or nurture your creativity. After all, some of the most famous personalities spent a lot of time alone.

Warnings:

If you're feeling lonely, consider taking a break from social media websites like Facebook and Twitter—they do not help your social relationships. Instead, try doing something outside. Maybe take a long walk, play with your dog, or hang out with a sibling.

If you have a persistent feeling of loneliness, do not hesitate to seek professional help. It might be a sign of depression.